Egg nog

My family celebrates Christmas on Christmas Eve. We eat dinner, and then after sleigh bells are heard outside (or, when animated chatter drowns out the bells, Santa texts my grandmother) we open presents. Then we go to midnight Mass.

One memorable year, people began to pile into cars to head to church and my parents, my sisters and I looked at each other and realized that not a one of us could drive, because we had all sampled the egg nog. Just sampled – egg nog is much too rich to consume in excess. But a punch cup each had turned us into tipsy church truants. Black sheep for the night, we tidied up the wrapping paper and ate all the cookies, and presented ourselves at church the next morning, meek and fully sober.

Which is all to say that this egg nog is not to be missed. It does not taste eggy or boozy, but – dangerously – like the most festive milkshake in the world.

A stand mixer is essential here. My cousin once made this with a handheld mixer, sitting on the couch with the bowl in her lap watching TV over the whirring beaters for hours. That level of dedication is not for everyone. If you don’t have a KitchenAid, visit someone who does and catch up while the machine does all the work. The long mixing time is absolutely essential: it’s when a  Christmas miracle occurs and a dozen egg yolks and three pints of heavy cream become as light and airy as new snow.

This will make your limbs deliciously weightless and your conversation effortlessly sparkling. I recommend it.

Kentucky Egg Nog , adapted from The Fine Art of Mixing Drinks, 1958 edition

Ingredients
12 large eggs
2 pounds granulated sugar
3 pints heavy cream
2 cups bourbon, preferably Knob Creek*
2 cups rum, preferably Bacardi Gold*
1 cup cognac, preferably Courvoisier*
2 cups skim milk
Pinch of nutmeg, for topping

*A note on liquor choice: These are the brands my family uses, but use whatever reasonably good liquor you like. Though eggs and cream cover a multitude of sins, don’t use rot-gut liquor here.

Equipment
Stand mixer
1 gallon container – a rinsed milk carton works well
Large six-quart punch bowl

Time
3 days, most of it hands-off

This recipe makes about six quarts of finished egg nog and serves about 25. It can be halved easily.

Day 1: Separate the yolks and the whites of the eggs. Reserve the whites for the last step. You’ll be storing them in the refrigerator for about 2 days.

Place the yolks in a 4 to 5 quart bowl and slowly begin mixing. With the motor running, add the sugar very slowly. You will have a very thick mixture. Let it mix for about 10 minutes.

Slowly add bourbon and rum and blend on the lowest setting for about 30 minutes. Stop the mixer and scrape down the bowl with a spatula, being sure all the yolk-sugar mixture is dissolved by the liquor. Re-start the mixer and let it slowly stir the liquid for 15 more minutes. Add the heavy cream and let the mixer stir for an hour.

At this point you should have almost a gallon of liquid. Pour it into a clean gallon-sized container and refrigerate for at least 24 hours.

Day 2: Add 1 cup of cognac to the mixture in the container and stir or gently shake to combine. Return it to the refrigerator for another day.

Day 3: Remove the container from the refrigerator and gently agitate to counteract any settling that may have occurred. Pour the contents into a large six-quart bowl (this can be the bowl you plan to serve in). Add skim milk to the now-empty gallon container and swish it around to collect any residual base. Pour this into the large bowl.

Whip the egg whites until they are almost stiff – not too stiff and definitely not dry. Stop when the mixture looks glossy and you can create a soft, gentle peak that quickly collapses back on itself.

Place the whipped egg whites on the top of the six-quart bowl containing the nog base. Gently fold the whites in with a whisk. This will take a few minutes and will have to be repeated every so often as the whites will always try to rise to the top.

When it is well-blended and creamy sprinkle or grate nutmeg over the surface. Serve and enjoy.

Any leftover nog keeps for a few days in the refrigerator, though it will gradually lose its creamy, airy texture. It is very good in coffee and I suspect could be churned into a luscious ice cream.